is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i already hear my dad disowning me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
