Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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