They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
