just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
