how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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