I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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