If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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