don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
