You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
