i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
