I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
