Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
