Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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