My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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