His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize