I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
