Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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