May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
