On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
