Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
