I want to have your abortion
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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