sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
