Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
