i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
