I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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