I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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