my sisters under your porch take her home
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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