Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
