Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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