I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
