my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
