Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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