He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
