I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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