you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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