Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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