I smell stomach acid.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
