Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
