You really coming over, don't trick.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
