the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
