Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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