Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
