and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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