Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
this beer tastes like vomit already
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
