I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
