I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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