I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
