May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
