That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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