Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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