...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
