I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
