A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
