Your face is a jimmy john
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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