he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
