Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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