im six kinds of drunk right now
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
