don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I said "one day" and that day is not today
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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