I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
