i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
