I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
