i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Pants are for mortals
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
