But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
