Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
