You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
