Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Randomize
